Our family got news today of my grandfather's death.
I was washing dishes and listening to music as dad came in. I didn't hear him (because my music was too loud) but I knew when he said something to my brother that something was wrong. I took out one of my headphones and looked at my brother. "What did he say?" I asked. Casey looked at me and said "We're going to Arkansas Thursday." Pappy had died. I quickly put my headphones back on and continued with dish washing. I didn't want them to see me cry. I tried to keep the tears out of the soapy water, but it was no use. They slipped down my face and onto the pan I was rinsing off. I then finished the dishes in a flurry of movement wanting to go to my room. But then I realized what I really wanted was something to do to keep my mind off what had happened. I took a slower time in drying them, but I still wanted more things to do with my hands. So I exercised for about thirty minutes or so. That still didn't help. Nobody had said it would be that hard. Usually if I am upset or something, I work. It takes my mind off what happened Or I pray as I work, which is a great comfort. What really brought me through today was my brothers. They always know how to make me smile... or maybe they don't, they just do it naturally :). Here is part of my journal entry last night that I made before I went to bed (before we knew Pappy had died.)
Jesus, I'm sorry to say that I'm jealous. I'm jealous of Pappy! LORD, he is going to You soon! How I wish I could go to You too, to see Your face! But I am being extremely selfish aren't I? What about those I would leave behind? But, they would see me again... Then I think of all I would miss! Prom (hahah! maybe:D) college, my first job, my wedding (maybe?) my children (maybe?) I think of all who would benefit from my life. LORD, who do I impact? Do I impact anyone? Who would want to be around me if they knew all of what You know about me?
I won't put anymore about that. But when I was writing that I was thinking about the sermon we had on Sunday. It was mostly about how this life isn't our home, that it is a pilgrimage. How we should look to our new life with longing! Here is what my pastor said! "We are living for a hope, a Kingdom, where Christ has saved a place for us." (might not be exactly as he said it, but it means the same thing!) As I'm going through this, and as my family goes through this, I will remember a promise made to us. A promise that is said beautifully in this song;
"This is what it means,
To be held,
how it feels
when the sacred is torn from your life
and you survive.
This is what it means,
To be loved
and to know
that the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held."~Held by Natalie Grant
